I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
