Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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