that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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