u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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