Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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