the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
