I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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