Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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