Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
