i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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