You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
