Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
