Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
