Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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