My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
