she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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