An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
