i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
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