I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Drake has all the answers
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize