My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
