Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Green mimosas i think yes
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
