Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
