is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
