i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
