Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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