I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
