Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize