She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
