can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
