R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
