Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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