I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
