He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just invented taco cereal.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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