Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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