i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
