and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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