Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
