Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You smell like stripper and shame
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
