Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
