why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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