Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Randomize