I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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