you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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