So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
