2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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