I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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