here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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