I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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