Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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