theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
