i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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