Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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