My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
