Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
