I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize