awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
