yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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