headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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