i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
