I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So apparently I’m into choking now
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
