this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
